Monday, December 1, 2014

An Open Letter to Mac and Cheese

Dear Mac and Cheese,

I get you're both turkeys; I get you're both one day away from being eaten as part of a national festival – and this must be a tough time for you and your kind – but you're in the White House, in front of the First Family; try showing a little class. At least respect the part you play in this pardoning ceremony, an important and historic American tradition involving the President of the United States a fake pardon, and some live turkeys. Then again, over the years turkeys have allowed their name to become an insult meaning idiotic dolt, so I guess you came up short the “good role mode department.” 
Nevertheless, stretch yourself (but don't try to fly, no matter how much someone swears to you that turkeys can fly). Rise to the occasion (again, no flying, look for WKRP on Netflix).

Act like being saved from a terrible and delicious fate by the President of the United States matters to you. Flap your wings and gobble like you deserve to be pardoned and not ground up in a Sarah Palin video. And don't bob your head up and down during televised, public events. Benjamin Franklin wanted to make you the national bird for god's sake! Act like it. You stupid birds.


I want to take a moment an apologize for judging Mac and Cheese at the annual White House turkey pardoning ceremony.

When I first posted, I reacted to an online video and quickly judged two young turkeys in a way that I would never have wanted to be judged myself, if were an inbred oversized chicken facing the chopping block. After many, many hours of eating, spending time with family, eating some more, and re-reading my words online, I can see more clearly how hurtful my words were to the two brainless and flightless fowl.

Mac, Cheese – please know that these feelings about how grateful turkeys should be for the part they play in Thanksgiving truly have no pace in my heart (my stomach is another matter). In retrospect, being caged, fattened up, plucked, stuffed, basted, roasted and eaten is probably not a whole lot of fun. Furthermore, I’d like to apologize to all of those turkeys who I have hurt and offended with my words (those who survived last Thursday, at any rate) and pledge to learn and grow (and I assure you I have, although much of that growth was also due to the stuffing, mashed potatoes, and pie, delicious pie) from this experience. Happy Thanksgiving!