Friday, August 10, 2012


PASADENA, Calif. -- In an unparalleled technological triumph, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was lowered to the surface of Mars on the end of a 25-foot-long bridle suspended from the belly of a rocket-powered flying crane, kicking off an unprecedented $2.5 billion mission to relocate America's most annoying politicians to distant planets.

With flight controllers at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory anxiously watching, telemetry flowed in from the red planet.

154 million miles away and 13 minutes after the fact, Christie radioed back confirmation of touchdown at 10:32 p.m. PDT.

"It's just absolutely incredible, it doesn't get any better than this," said NASA Administrator Charles Bolden. "I was a basket case in there, I was really on pins and needles."

"It's a huge day for the nation, it's a huge day for science and it's a huge day for the American people," he said. "Everybody in the morning should be sticking their chests out, saying 'we just put Chris Christie on fucking Mars.' Because this belongs to all of us."

A Jubilant NASA Engineer Celebrates Landing of Chris Christie on Mars

Photo Courtesy of NASA

As Christie settled to the surface, the flight computer sent commands to cut the cables connecting it to the sky crane descent stage, which then flew away to a crash landing as planned.

After checking telemetry and confirming its status, a NASA engineer reported "Touchdown confirmed. Christie is on Mars!" 

"Holy shit. We really put that bastard on another planet" someone else said in the background. 

Amid jubilant applause and cheers, Bolden yelled out "One down - many more to go!"

Safely removed from doing further damage on Earth at the bottom of a deep crater, over the next two years Christie will await arrivals from from odious officials such as Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, John Edwards, Scott Walker, Rick Scott and Paul Ryan.